Don't
by 32stars
Summary: Erin just wants to numb herself from feeling anything after Nadia's death. Jay steps in to stop her from doing something foolish.


If she had been thinking more clearly, she would have picked a bar other than Molly's, but her mind had been foggy for days from lack of sleep. She found herself in the familiar bar and silently prayed that none of her unit would be there. She had heard Atwater and Ruzek saying something about pizza, so hopefully she wouldn't run into anyone who wanted to "talk."

She was tired of it, really. Everyone asking her all the time. " _How are you holding up?" "Are you okay?" "I'm here if you need me, you know that, right?"_

Empty words that didn't mean a damn thing. Not since Nadia died. Well, more like not since she got Nadia killed.

She bellied up to the bar and tried to catch Hermann's attention. He'd be less likely to ask questions than Gabby Dawson. Being Antonio's younger sister, she surely knew everything that had transpired. To be fair, Antonio was grieving too. But it wasn't the same. Sure, the rest of the unit liked her, missed her - they'd all taken her in like a little sister. Let them mourn. Let them have their grief. They deserved it. But she didn't, not since she was the one who had gotten Nadia killed.

Everyone tried to tell her it wasn't her fault. Lies. If it wasn't for her, Nadia wouldn't have been at the 21st. If it wasn't for her, Nadia wouldn't have been the bullpen when Yates walked through. If it wasn't for her, Nadia wouldn't be out getting a god damned birthday cake leading to her abduction. How could it NOT be her fault? If Erin had never interfered in her life, she would still be alive.

Jay had tried to reason with her. Said that if it wasn't for Erin, Nadia would still be high and turning tricks. "But she'd be alive," Erin had shot back. And that was the end of that conversation.

Hermann finally came over as Erin found settled into a bar stool. "What can I get you, kid?" The man was oblivious. But that was fine by her.

"Scotch. Double. Neat," her words were short and clipped. "And keep 'em coming." He raised a brow slightly, but it didn't stop him from making the first pour.

"I'll check on you in a bit," he said as Erin knocked back that first double.

"Wait," she said. She gestured towards the bottle still in his hand, "hit me again first." He obliged, although somewhat cautiously, before walking back down the bar.

She toyed with the glass in her hands, debating whether or not she should slow down and sip, or if she should just throw it back and hope that the numbness she was seeking would settle in quickly. The hope for numbness won out. She tipped the glass back quickly and set it back on the bar. She shut her eyes tightly for a moment, feeling the burn of the liquid as it slid down her throat. And then she started to feel that warmth in her stomach. Not quite numb yet, but she was getting there. She opened her eyes again in hopes of flagging down Hermann once more, but he was nowhere in sight. She sighed in frustration and felt someone nudge her arm. She hadn't even realized that someone had sat down at the stool next to hers.

"Bad day, huh?" The man smiled at her – he was earnest and friendly looking, and seemed eager to start a conversation.

"Mmmm," Erin mumbled, not really wanting to get into details with this stranger.

"Well, by the sounds of it, you need another. Can I buy you a drink?" He flagged down Gabby Dawson, and she made her way down the bar towards them.

If this putz wanted to buy her drinks all night, she'd be fine with that. Would probably get less questions from Gabby and Hermann that way, too. She looked over at the man, "Sure," she accepted his invitation, "as long as you can keep up with me."

He grinned in response just as Gabby stood in front of them. "What are you having?" she asked.

He slid his credit card across to Gabby to start a tab and said, "two glasses, and a bottle of scotch."

Somehow Erin had managed to say very little but keep the guy interested enough to keep pouring. At one point, Gabby came over, concerned, but Erin had just slurred "here, take my keys." She pulled them from the pocket of her leather jacket and threw them across the bar. "I won't drive, now leave us alone." The more he poured, the more Erin's mind and body went numb. To the point when he started touching her shoulder, her arm, her face…she didn't care anymore. She let him kiss her. What did it matter, she didn't feel a damn thing. Nadia was still dead, but at least she didn't feel that ache in her heart anymore.

"You live nearby," she heard him whisper into her ear suggestively. She wasn't thinking clearly, but she wasn't oblivious, either. He wanted to take her to bed. She couldn't think of a reason to say no.

"Yeah, we can walk." She didn't even know this guys name. Not that she cared. If he could offer a few more hours of distraction so she wouldn't feel the pain anymore, he was welcome to. And the thought of having someone walk into the apartment with her, somehow made going into that empty space a little less daunting.

He eagerly flagged down Hermann to settle his tab, while still attempting to hold Erin to his side and nuzzle her neck and ear. She closed her eyes. Was she really going to let this happen?

Down on the far end of the bar, Gabby Dawson looked on with concern. She had overheard Erin essentially inviting the guy back to her place, and didn't want her to have any regrets in the morning. So she pulled out her cell phone. She thought about calling Antonio, but thought better of it and scrolled through her phone to find someone else.

"Hey," she said when he answered. "I'm worried about Lindsay, I think you should get over to her place…quick."

Once they were in the elevator on the way up to Erin's apartment, the guy started getting touchy, hands roaming up and down her back and down towards her ass while he kissed her. She couldn't muster much enthusiasm to respond, but that didn't seem to bother him much, so he just kept at it. The elevator doors opened and they made their way towards Erin's doorway when it finally hit her. "Shit," she muttered, "I gave my keys to the bartender."

That didn't seem to bother him, as he just pushed her up against the door and kissed her harshly. "Come on, baby. There's gotta be another way to get inside." He ground his pelvis up against her aggressively. "Emergency key?"

Erin sobered momentarily as she thought about what she had done with her emergency key. She had given it to Nadia when she moved in. She'd never gotten around to replacing it. The reminder of Nadia somehow obliterated the numbness from the alcohol that was streaming through her veins just moments before. "No key," she muttered turning her face to the side, avoiding his continued attempts to kiss her.

Still, he was not discouraged, he simply moved his lips to her neck and shoulder. "We can't get inside the apartment, but baby I still need to get inside you."

Erin was disgusted, honestly. But she needed the distraction. How different was it to feel like shit for getting Nadia killed versus feeling like shit for letting some random guy have sex with her? She felt his hand graze under her ass and slide down her thigh, pulling her leg up and around him, and she felt his growing erection pressing against her. She closed her eyes, resigning to just let it happen when she heard someone call her name.

"Erin?" She must have been imagining it.

"Erin, what the hell are you doing?" The voice was more urgent, and getting closer to her. Her eyes shot open, and she wasn't wrong. There was her partner, making a beeline down the hallway towards her.

She didn't want a lecture, and she knew talking to Jay would just remind her of Nadia again, and she couldn't face that. "Go away, Halstead, I'm busy." To drive home her point, she pulled the guys face to hers and began kissing him assertively, much to his delight.

Jay couldn't believe what he was seeing. His heart broke a little, wondering how she could be giving herself up to this stranger. He knew it was foolish, but he thought she still cared about him, she had said as much when she met his brother Will for the first time. But he pushed his own feelings and pride aside. This wasn't about him. It was about Erin. She was clearly hurting, and this? Making out with some random stranger she met at a bar? This wasn't her, and he knew she would regret it if things went any further.

"Hey, get off her." His tone was firm and authoritative, as he pulled the guy way from Erin by the shoulders.

"Hey," the man stumbled. "Look buddy, don't you have somewhere else to be? My girl and I are a little busy here." He stepped back towards Erin, but Jay stepped in front of his path. He wasn't in the mood to deal with this douche. He was worried about Erin and needed to give her his attention – he'd just have to get rid of this guy first.

Erin had different ideas though as she pushed Jay from behind. "Go away, Jay. Just leave me alone. Me and…" she looked to the guy, not knowing his name. "We're busy, so if you don't mind, I'd like to get back to my date." The guy smirked and walked around Jay back towards Erin.

"Yeah man, a little privacy, if you don't mind."

Frustrated, Jay looked to Erin, ignoring the guy. "Erin," he pleaded. The guy tried to take another step toward her, but he put a hand up to stop him.

Erin looked towards the ground, not having the nerve to meet her partners eyes. She could hear the pleading in his voice, and she knew as much as he did that she didn't want this, but why shouldn't she feel like shit? That's all she deserved.

"Erin," he said again, lifting her chin, forcing her sad hazel eyes to meet his concerned baby blues. "Don't," he whispered, "Don't do this." The caring nature of his tone was too much for her to bear. She had let Nadia down, she couldn't let Jay down, too. One tear fell, and then another followed, and before she knew it, she was breaking down. She dropped to the ground, head in her hands, and began sobbing.

All Jay wanted to do was wrap her up in his arms and comfort her, but he had to deal with the douche first. He turned to him and decided to get rid of him the quickest way he knew how. Flashing his badge, he looked at the guy angrily. "Beat it. Now. Before I arrest you for attempted assult. She's clearly intoxicated, and-"

Before Jay could even get another word out, the man retreated. The sight of the badge was enough for him to sober up and get the hell out of what could be a real ugly situation.

"Wise choice," Jay yelled down the hall at his retreating form, before putting his focus back on Erin.

"Come here," he whispered, pulling Erin to her feet. "Shhhh," he soothed, as she buried her face in his chest, still sobbing. He pulled her in tighter, pressing a kiss into her hair. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out his keys, and unlocked Erin's door. In case of emergency, he had a key to her place, just as she had a key to his.

He guided her into the dark room, and flipped on a light before settling her on the couch. The sobbing had decreased, but tears were still falling. "I'm sorry, Jay – it didn't, he didn't mean anything."

"I know, it's okay, Erin. He's gone now. But I know this isn't you."

"I just…" she didn't know quite how to explain what she was feeling. But feeling Jay thumb away the tears on her face, the softness of his touch, the concern in his eyes. She knew she could tell him anything. "I just didn't want to feel anything anymore, Jay. I just wanted to forget, even for just a little bit, that Nadia is gone. That she's dead. That I got her killed."

"Don't," Jay said for the second time that night, though this time his tone was different. "Stop blaming yourself Erin. I know you feel like this was all your fault, but blaming yourself won't bring Nadia back. Blaming yourself isn't what Nadia would want. Blaming yourself isn't the way to deal with the pain."

"But I don't know how else to deal with it, Jay." She looked at him with pleading eyes. "How do I get through this on my own?"

"You don't," he said, his voice softening. "That's just it, Erin. You don't have to do this on your own. I'm here for you, if you just let me be."

She reached out to him, and pulled him in close. It was nothing he hadn't said to her before, but this time he managed to get through to her. She buried her face in his chest once more, and somehow hearing his heart beat with life filled her with comfort. She could get through this, with him. "Just don't leave me, okay," her voice barely above a whisper. "I can't go through this again."

"I'll never leave you, Erin," he promised, as he pulled her in tighter and rocked slowly, lulling her into the first peaceful slumber she'd had in weeks.


End file.
